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15 may 2009

Rolando, el cosmonauta freelance - episodio II

She packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine a.m.
And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the earth so much I miss my wife
It's lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight
And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone
-Elton John, "Rocket Man (I Think It's Going To Be A Long Long Time)"

EPISODIO I

Lo que Estela portaba con urgencia en su mano derecha era un recipiente de color celeste tipo tupperware.
-Buen día- dije tratando de parecer lo más natural posible en medio de una situación tan poco natural.
-Hola hola -dijo ella-. Este Rolo es un nabo, siempre se olvida la vianda.
Claro, pensé, al fin y al cabo el trabajo de Rolo debería convertirse en algo habitual y rutinario y por lo tanto vivirlo como cualquier otra labor terrenal.
-Siempre le preparo unas empanadas de carne y se las olvida! -me explicó frustrada. -El tema es que después termina comiendo cualquier porquería por ahí y si no me equivoco hoy iba a Buowa donde se zarpan con el picante.
-Pero entonces esas pildoras alimenticias que se ven en los documentales son una falacia? -pregunté.
-Hace años que por los recortes de presupuesto no las dan. Al principio las habían reemplazado por barras de cereales, las que luego fueron reemplazadas por wikones, que en dialecto Erteridino significa Guaymallén de chocolate.
Estela estaba lejos de la típica imagen de ama de casa adicta a las telenovelas. Se veía como una mujer culta, con buena dicción y gran amabilidad.
-Y bueh... espero que no las haya olvidado a propósito -dijo con pena.
-Y por qué haría eso?
-Porque un par de veces me dijo que las empanadas de carne eran complicadas para comer en el espacio. Sin gravedad el relleno empieza a salirse... es un quilombo. Una vez le hicieron pagar a él el arreglo de unos controles de la nave después de haber encontrado salsa de tomate entre los circuitos...
-Qué barbaridad -fue lo único que atiné a comentar.
-Ahora espero esta vez que no tenga problemas y vuelva mañana como me dijo.
Era una pena que yo debía irme a trabajar, escuchar a Estela relatando esas anécdotas tan bizarras era un placer. Eso sí, me insistió tanto con que me lleve el tupper que terminé accediendo.
-Sino te lo llevás lo voy a terminar tirando -me había dicho. Así que partí hacia mi diaria labor con la vianda de Rolo que sería mi almuerzo.
Esa misma tarde, al doblar la esquina de mi casa de regreso, me topé con Osvaldo, un buen vecino de la cuadra. No pudiendo soportar la tentación le saqué el tema de Rolo y su cohete.
Sin dejarme exponer mi opinión al respecto acotó:
-Uhhh pobre Rolo... yo lo conozco de chiquito, siempre le faltaron unos caramelos en el frasco. Cualquier día de estos lo internan.
-Peroooo Osvaldo... nunca viste cuando el cohe...?
-Encima ahora está peor! -me interrumpió. -Sabés desde cuando está peor? Yo te voy a decir: desde que se juntó con la mina esa.
-Estela?
-Seee... no sé cual de los dos está más rayado.
A partir de ese encuentro con Osvaldo decidí empezar a manejar el tema con mayor cautela, ya que al parecer el barrio estaba repleto de ciegos que descreían de mi vecino el cosmonauta.
Ese mediodía disfruté las sabrosas empanadas y me sorprendí al encontrar una nota dentro del tupper con el texto:

Rolo, te amaré siempre. Buen viaje

Fue solo 2 días después cuando encontré a Rolo en la puerta. Se lo notaba cansado, abatido diría.
-Hoolaa -dije animado-. Cómo te fue en el viaje?
-Ahhh vos me crees?
-Claro! Bah... en realidad no que quedó otra opción que creerte... Es que vi y escuché cuando tu nave despegaba.
-Seee... es un fierro viste? -pareció recobrar el ánimo al mencionar a su metálico corcél-. El tema es que es modelo 75, ya está viejito. Además es pesado, no tiene pique y te come vivo. Eso sí: nunca me dejó a gamba. Y otra a favor es que ya no pago patente.
-Y el viaje cómo estuvo?
-Ahhh sí... el viaje... bien aunque la "caminera" Enceladiana me retuvo un par de horas en el cinturón de asteroides, un bajón.
-Pero por qué te pararon?
-Viste cómo son... siempre algo te encuentran. Les tuve que tirar un hueso.
-Unos pesos?
-No no. Un hueso! Siempre llevo alguno por si me paran. Es que ellos son invertebrados y adoran los huesos terrestres.
-Increíble -ahora las preguntas se amontonaban en mi mente pujando por salir a luz. No sabía por donde empezar. Quién sabe qué increíbles mundos llenarían la vista de mi vecino en sus fantásticos viajes interplanetarios.
-Y el cohete? -opté por la más sencilla.
-Je... la computadora se tildó y aterricé como a 50 kms de acá. Bah.. no se tildó. Es un bug que tiene el WinRocket, es un software de mi%rda!
-Ja!
-Cuando empecé en esto era distinto. Yo era soltero y todo eso pero ahora ya estoy cansado, quiero un laburo más tranqui, extraño a Estela cada vez más.
-Parece que la adoras no?
-Sí, ella es de otro planeta.
-No me digas que ella... ? -pregunté con asombro.
-No no no, -dijo sin dejarme terminar-. Digo que es de otro planeta por cómo es. Para ponerte un ejemplo te cuento que entra al supermercado y sólo recorre las góndolas que necesita.
-Eso sí que es asombroso!
-En realidad yo me dediqué a esto porque buscaba algo -continuó Rolo como queriendo confesarme algo.
-Buenas -gritó al pasar por la vereda de enfrente Osvaldo. Cuando levanté la vista giró su dedo indice cerca de su oreja como evidente señal de que Rolo estaba loco.

Continuará...

Quién estará más loco? Rolo, Estela, Osvaldo, Principito o USTED MISMO?!?!
Conoceremos el espacio exterior a través de los ojos fiables de nuestro noble relator?
La carne picada tripulante de esas empanadas provendría de algún ser alienígena muerto?
Terminará esta historia generando una seguildilla de incoherencias descabelladamente insoportables al igual que la serie Lost?

Amigo: No toque su televisor, el desenlace está cerca!

20 comentarios:

zorgin dijo...

me hizo acordar un día que viajaba en un ditella amarillo y negro, comiendo un alfajor, creo que era un guaymallen, y nos paró un agente del orden.
el chofer puso algo dentro del registro y se lo pasó al uniformado, este hizo como que miraba el documento y cotejaba con la patente, mientras caminaba se guardaba "aquello" en el bolsillo, saludó llevando su mano a la sien y me sonrió...
flor de atorrante!

Juana dijo...

sabe Principeco, me quedé pensando en la empanadita vio...mmm no sé...
se me venía a la cabeza que usted se comió la galletita de otro (cosa fea esa) y ahora que pienso debe ser por el cartelito sorpresa de los chinos, que malambo por Dios!!!

Estela esta por ser raptada, digo pregunto y me adelanto sí...no sé, por lo del super, es una mujer gas oil, gasta menos y camina más ja ja ja

Juana dijo...

Mmmmm... estem... no piensa dejar de espiar a su vecino por la ventana y regresar a pasar la crónica del ater(raje)?

Principito dijo...

zorgin: Je, parece que justo justo te cruzaste con un policía corrupto.

Trenaluna: "trenaluna"... tren a luna... no no, me voy en cohete nomás.

ESTA HISTORIA -ME TEMO- TIENE MENOS CONVOCATORIA QUE UNA RONDA DE MATE EN NEPAL. SIN EMBARGO TENIENDO EN CUENTA EL ENTUSIASMO DESBORDANTE DEL AUTOR Y QUE LOS ACTORES YA ESTÁN PAGOS EN POCOS DÍAS (APENAS TENGA TIEMPO PARA ESCRIBIR) SE VIENE EL INUSITADO FINAL.
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